Teenagers: A Fostering Story

In this blog post, foster carer Joy shares her personal experience of fostering teenagers. She writes about how small changes in behaviour can indicate growth. Teenagers in care may be scared, closed-off and defensive, but with just a little bit of nurturing, you can help give them a new start in life.

Big Kids Need Big Love Too

I can hear the quiet buzz of the alarm in the next room. It's 6am. I listen. There is no movement. The alarm keeps on humming. Eventually I get up and go knock on the bedroom door.

'Wha? What's up?' I see her head rise, hair all over the place, voice thick with sleep. 'It's ok. It's ok, I got it...' she fumbles for her alarm and switches it off. Flopping back down into the bed.
I go back to bed and lay there listening for the bustling sounds of a teen rising. I hear nothing. I am smiling to myself because I know that this girl really does not do mornings at all. She doesn't even have to be up until 6.45, but she is so worried about getting to college on time. She sets her alarm early every morning. It was 5.30am last week. I've got her to 6am. Eventually, I will get her to 6.45am once she is confident that this is the right time for her.

After a while, I knock on again, and she gets up and dressed, in automatic mode as she is still half asleep. I remind her to brush her teeth, and she sulkily says 'Yeah... I know what to do! I'm not a kid.' I smile again. 
She is not a kid. But she is not yet a woman. Sulky or not, she needs that gentle nurture. 
I ask her how much money she has for lunches. 37p it seems, so I transfer some more of her allowance over to her account. I tell her she has £5 per day to spend on lunches. she grunts in reply. It's the limit of her conversation on a morning and I understand that. She looks so grown up, but at the same time so young.

She messages me later to say she is on the bus. I am delighted because last week, she got on the wrong bus, leading to a panicked WhatsApp conversation. I was searching bus timetables in the background to get her back on track.

Am I proud? Immensely proud!! Here is a girl who could not go in a shop by herself, could not use public transport, could not sort out her own affairs 3 months ago. Now she has found herself an apprenticeship, spoken to her future employer and done some trial working days. She is sorting out the transfer from here college course to apprenticeship all on her own. I see the fear in her face, and hear the anxiety in her voice, and I (tentatively) offer advice. Always by message - that seems to be the most comfortable method for her.

Is she an obnoxious teenager? Well, yes she is sometimes. This 16-year-old can turn into a 7 year old having a tantrum by the drop of a hat. Underneath the anger is a child who wants love, who wants to 'do the right thing', and who wants to feel safe and secure. I have learned that her rudeness masks her fear, anxiety and uncertainty. I have learned to ignore the rudeness and focus on the source of the anxiety. Supporting her to achieve has paid off in spades. She is about to become a wage-earning productive member of society.

What else have I learned?  I have learned not to assume anything. I'ma little bit ashamed of some of those early days when I would say 'You are 15 years old! You should know how to tidy your room/make your bed/keep yourself clean'. I mean - why should she? She has not had that parenting role model other kids have had. No one cared if she had a shower or not, if she ate or not, or if she had a healthy lifestyle. 
Making those assumptions caused shame, which then caused defensiveness, anger, retaliation. I learned it was not helpful to point this out. Gentle coaching, a little humour, a lot of patience and plenty of warmth leads to progress.

I have learned that trust and respect have to be earned. This girl had been let down by her parents repeatedly. Say nothing! keep everything hidden! - that was her code. So I took things slowly. We have short conversations in the car, I show that I am reliable, I keep promises. I do things to show her respect and trust without expecting it back. Those little gestures - the bar of chocolate when she has had a bad day, the favourite meal - all lead to trust.

Honestly watching her grow in confidence and capability is just the best thing ever. That delight in her face when she realises what she is capable of, and experiences successes (even small ones) is just a joy! Seeing her battle her own demons and keep on going is a real lesson in resilience, and I am so proud to be part of her journey.

I know that teenagers often have a bad reputation. But in those moments of real connection like that shared laugh, that 'look' and nod when we both see something funny at the same time, or that quiet moment when she leans into me - well, that just makes my heart melt.

Would I take in another teenager? Yes in a heartbeat!