Written by Walter Hampson for the 1931 edition of The Clock Almanack

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THIS is a glorious month for th' women fowk, for this is th time when they start spring cleeanin' An' that meeans tothree weeks' purgtary for ther' husbands. It's a terrible business is this spring cleeanin', an it's enough to mak' a chap wish he wor a, savage an' lived in a, country wheear they nawther build houses nor weear clooas.

But even if it wor soa, an a chap an his wife lived up a tree. like a pair o' monkeys, Ah believe e shoo'd want to start cleeanin' dahn ivvery time spring cam' rahnd.

Ah can't understand hah it is at a woman should nivver be soa happy as when shoo's rivin' th' furnitur' abaht, or else splashin' abaht up to th' een i' whitewesh an' sooapsuds An' th' warst o' job is a chap hes to try an' mak' hissen believe he's as happy as her, for if he doesn't it mak's th' job war still.  

Ah once hed a nabour 'at had a wife 'at wor a regular settler for spring cleeaning. They call'd him Jooa Scrubb, an' if th' name didn't suit him it suited her to a T. Ah used to think sometimes shoo must ha 'been born wi' a scrubbin' brush in her hand, for shoo used to be spring cleeanin' all th' yeear rahnd. Soa yo'll knaw what sooart o' a life Jooa hed. If ivver he hed a laik-day shoo w'or sewer to start cleeanin' some o' th rooms, an' poor Jooa hed to work harder that day nor if he'd gooan to his wark. 

One day when he wor laikin' shoo decided to mak' an attack on one o' th' bedrooms. Shoo gat th' whitewesh an' th' paper an' th' paste all but just when shoo wor bahn to commence hostilities a little lass cam' to tell her 'at her mother wur badly an' shoo wor to gooa see her at once. Shoo went streight away an' left Jooa to get on wi th' job single-handed.

As sooin as shoo'd gooan Jooa set abaht th' job i' reight gooid eearnest, for he meant to let her see what he could do. First of all he decided to cart all his tackle up into th' bedroom. He samm'd th' bucket o' whitewesh up an' took it upstairs an' put it i' th' middle o' th' bedroom flooare. Then he went dahn ageean an' fotched th' bowl o' paste up. When he gat into th' bedroom wi' it he wanted to put it somewheear wheear it wouldn't get upset, an' as he wor walkin' across th' flooar to put it in a corner, he tummell'd neck an' crop ower th' bucket o' whitewesh. an' booath him an' th' whitewesh an' th' paste wor sooin splashin' abaht th' flooar i' all directions.

When he managed to scrape th' paste aht of his een an' saw what sooart of a mess he'd made, he set off dahn th' stairs to fotch th' flooar-claht to mop it up. But it appeears 'at when he wor huggin' that paste upstairs he spilled some on th' top step, an when he wor goin' dahn to fotch th' flooar-claht he trod in it an' he went throo th' top o' th' steps to th' bottom, sat dahn, an' he cahnted ivvery step wi' th' back of his heead.   Jooa did noa moor spring-cleeanin' that day, an' when his wife cam' hooam throo her mother's shoo fahnd him at th' bottom o' th' stairs steps peeacefully reclinin' i' what they call a recumbant position.               

W.H.